We all generally think that we listen very well, but you can never practice listening enough. A major reason conflicts between children continue is because one or both children feel no one is listening.

Listening helps resolve conflict because it allows children to understand the cause of the conflict and the many ways it can be resolved. A child can use the three listening skills below to talk about what's on his or her mind while also gaining an understanding of the opinion and feelings of others:

1. Body Language – To show he is listening without speaking, a child can:
   • make eye contact
   • lean into the speaker
     
   • ignore outside distractions
     
   • use facial expressions

   
   Remember that different cultures use different forms of body language. Use the culturally relevant body language, or as a rule of thumb, use body language that works. If a child does not like to make eye contact, for example, respect the culture he comes from and refrain from forcing him to do so.

2. Talking About What I Heard You Say – A child makes sure she understands what the other child has said by summarizing in neutral language. Summarizing also helps the child that is speaking because it gives him an opportunity to hear the interpretation of what he said, and therefore a chance to clarify his statement. (See Figure 3) When summarizing, a child restates the main idea of the statement and leaves out any angry or accusatory words. For example

   • Statement: "You are so stupid! I hate it when you play with me, because you hit too hard! I'm going to play with Dan."

   • Summary: "You want to play with Dan, because you don't like when I play rough with you."
     
     FIGURE 3
     

3. Asking Questions – A child can ask open-ended questions to make sure they understand the feelings and point of view of the other child.

• Open-Ended Questions – Cannot be answered with a simple "yes" or "no." Open-ended questions allow the speaker to express herself and do not lead her to an answer. For example:
  • "How did you feel about that?"
  • "What happened next?"
    
  • "What could you try to do to fix this?"

Before working on the Listening section of the website or working through the Listening Activity, ask students to think about how they communicate in different situations. You might ask:

• What are some things you do when you don't want to listen to someone?
  
• Why is it sometimes hard to talk to people you have problems with?
  
• What are some things you do to show someone you are listening to what they have to say?

Review the three active listening skills: Body Language, Talking About What I Heard You Say (summarizing), and Asking Questions.

A. Body Language

1. "Bad" Body Language - To learn more about body language, ask for a volunteer that is willing to talk about something s/he loves to do to have fun. As the volunteer thinks of an example, set up the exercise by telling the other children that they will judge how good of a listener you are. Tell the group to point out both good and bad body language you use. Have the volunteer begin to tell you about his/her enjoyable activity. Practice poor body language by making some of the following mistakes:

• poor eye contact
  
• pay attention to distractions (shuffle paper, arrange things on your desk)
  
• turn your back on the volunteer
  
• look at your watch
  
• roll your eyes

Allow two minutes. Process the activity by asking the group "Am I a good listener?" Ask the volunteer how s/he felt talking to you. Ask the group:

• Did you think I was listening to the volunteer?
  
• Why or why not?

Ask the group to talk about your body language. List both bad and good body language used on newsprint or on a chalkboard.

Explain that when we use poor body language, we stop people from wanting to talk to us because they don't feel we are listening to them when we use bad body language.

2. Body Language Practice –Tell the children that they will have a chance to practice good body language. Have each child find a partner and sit facing that partner. Ask one member of the pair to be Person A, and the other member to be Person B. Instruct Person A as follows: "You have one minute to tell Person B about your favorite book, song, movie or television show." Instruct Person B as follows: "Your job is to listen to Person A, but you may not speak. Practice good body language." Allow one minute for Person A to speak. Call time and ask:

• Person B, was it hard to listen without saying anything? Why or why not?
  
• Person A, what did your partner do that made you think he or she was listening to what you had to say?
  
• Person B, did you learn anything new and fun about your partner?

Have the pairs reverse roles, and ask Person B to talk for one minute about the same topic while Person A provides listens without talking. Call time and ask the same questions as before.

B. "Talking About What I Heard You Say"

This activity can be done individually or in a group.

In a group, tell the children that they will have a chance to practice listening skills. Have the children form small groups. Distribute the Talking About What I Heard You Say worksheet. Give each group two of the following statements and have them develop a summary of each statement as a group. Have one person from each group read their original statement and the summary developed by the group. As each group presents their summaries, check to make sure that they have used neutral language, included feelings of the speaker, and captured the basic facts of the statement. Below are suggested summaries for the statements on the Talking About What I Heard You Say worksheet.

1. Kara said, "Angela is so annoying. She always comes in my room and touches my things without asking even though I tell her not to do that. Every time she touches my stuff I should just grab one of her CD's and break it!"
   
   What did you hear Kara say?
   
   Summary: "You are angry because you think Angela goes into your room without asking you. You are also upset because of the way she treats the things you have in your room."

2. Daniel said, "Bryan has such a big mouth! He's like a little baby because he has to cry to all his friends and tell them things about me that I wanted to be kept secret. He should just mind his business and shut his stupid mouth!"
   
   Summary: "You are really upset about things being said about you to Bryan's friends. You him to keep things you tell him secret because you don't want everyone knowing about them."

3. Roberto said, "When we play basketball she hogs the ball. She thinks that she is the best and that the rest of us can't play. She is so conceited and greedy."
   
   Summary: "You don't enjoy playing basketball with her because you can't play as a team. You want her to include you in the game more."

4. Chris said to Amy, "I was angry at you because she didn't return the video games that I loaned to you. I told you I wanted them back in a week and you kept them for almost two weeks now. So I took the CD player that you left at my house and I'm going to keep it until you give me the games.
   
   Summary: "You think that I kept your games for longer than a week. You're mad and took my CD player because you wanted to have something of mine to hold on to until I returned your games."